Thinking, Horny and Spakies,bad combination
by Kafkis
Summary: It started like any normal and borinng day... until Kei did what he wasn't supossed to... he started thinking. BIG Mistake!


Title: Thinking, Horny and Spankies…bad combination.

Author: Kafka (my first finished fic xD hurray!)

Rating: NC-17 because of bad language (Kei likes swearing a lot xD), sex (not SO graphic) and things that aren't meant for nice good kids (snore yeah right!)

Pairing: Sho x Kei! (Moon Child)

Status: One-Shot

Gender: Is "absolutedly stupid nonsense" a gender?

Warnings: Absolute non-sense, a horny vampire and a lot of swearing! And my sucky english! English ain't my native language…spanish is.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kei, Sho or Moon Child, if I did, then Moon Child would have end up as a yaoi porn movie. And if anyone wants to sue me I'll throw them my savage dog Rolf! (a fat dog ,like the one Gackt has, sleeping soundly appears in the background) beware of his oh so powerful gases!

Notes: All the fic is in Kei's POV (more like what he's thinking).

Summary: It seemed an uneventful day; until Kei did what he shouldn't…he started thinking… BIG mistake.

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It started like any normal day, very boring…

Same boring place, boring furniture, boring clothes, boring curtains… wait, I think they're new. Wow, well, scratch them from the list, cause I'm too damn bored to do it.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, bitching about how boring and uneventful life is. I mean, maybe for any normal person it is some exciting travel or any of those shits they say in books and TV, but when you are a vampire and have lived for like… TOO long, (I'm not giving my age away… heh) you end up seeing "living", (isn't it ironic for someone like me to use that word when I'm already dead? But, screw the rest, I'm using it anyway) as a routine… and a boring one.

Yeah, I must admit that living with Sho has been a bit more entertaining than the life I used to have, you know? At first it was all new and different… One bullet wound, some stealing, money and "fun", but we've being doing the same old thing since the guy turned fifteen! Seven fucking years following the fucking routine!

Another routine to add to the list…

Sigh… I'm getting bored of life and as Sho said yesterday, "Kei, you are worst than a menopausing transvestite!" ha! What the fuck is going on in that guy's head? Everyone knows that transvestites don't… oh… mm… I think my pride and ego have just gone down the toilet.

Well, fuck him! Or better, he fucks me…

…

Now, where did that thought came from?

Oh, my God! I think I'm turning gay towards Sho! That's not good… oh no good at all!

I mean, we've known each other since he was like eleven! That's just….not right. But now a day he has a great ass.

…

Face it Kei, all your world just came crumpling down with that GAY thought you had a minute ago!

And what if I've been gay all this time and just come to realize it?

Does this mean I came out of the closet? Or maybe the coffin!

Hahahaha… amm… cough, not the best moment to make a joke, is it?

Well, let's check what I've been doing today… I woke up, drank some water, sat down on my sofa, start thinking and realized that I'm gay.

Now kids, what's wrong with this picture?

Mmhh….. THINKING!

That's where I went wrong! I don't usually think! I just act! Like when I cook or bathe or do anything!

Ok, Kei, note for yourself: DON'T THINK! Only if you want to find out more disturbing things about yourself that you know you don't.

Wow, that's a big note, I'm wondering if it'll fit in a post it…

NO! I TOLD MYSELF NOT TO THINK! STOP DOING IT, MORON!

I'm the lowest; I'm calling myself moron… I think I'm loosing my mind, I can just feel the crazy look creeping onto my face.

Mm… just checked on the mirror and all I see is a perfectly handsome vampire with amazing hair and… What's that? Oh fuck! My roots are showing, I need to dye it again.

Maybe I should just dye it black?

Yeah right, and no one will notice it AGAIN!

I mean, how can someone not notice such a big change in someone as pretty as me, especially if they call themselves your friends?

Friends are supposed to notice those major changes, don't they?

Then, how comes that the last time I dyed my hair black Sho asked me if my pants were new when they weren't?

SHO'S NOT MY FRIEND!

No, no Kei, remember what your psychologist told you all those years ago… trust in people.

Well, she can go fuck herself with a carrot for all I care!

Pff… trust in people, what kind of bullshit is that? Who does she believe she is, Barney or something?

I know what you may be thinking, wasn't it supposed to be like year 2040 something? What's Barney still doing on TV? Well, let me tell you that he's still being used for fucking up little kiddies brains.

Talking about Barney, Sho just walked into the living room.

What? What does Barney have to do with Sho?

It's just that I gave him Barney underwear as a Christmas present last year.

…

Yep, my bell just rang. I can't believe I just realized I was gay!

There were so many signs!

The Barney undies! Always changing my image! Painting little smiling faces in my toes nails! Crying when Bambi's mom is killed!

Sniff… poor Bambi…sniff

What are you looking at, asshole? Never seen a gay guy crying?

Whoops… sorry Sho, wasn't my intention to kill you with my glare.

Yes, just smile Kei. Smile like the good queer Vampire that you are.

Phew, he smiled back and went into the kitchen.

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah, I was just grumbling about nonsense.

I better turn on the TV…

Ha! Incredible how many things you can do with just some meat and eggs.

Another point into gay department, I'm actually checking out that cute English Chef, rather than paying any attention to the food.

I'm kinda sick…and now that I think about it, kinda horny.

Now Kei, stop staring at the bananas on the screen!

They make you think bad thoughts!

BAD!

B-A-D!

Close your eyes…NOW!

Good boy! Now, where's my price?

No, really, where is it? I want something in exchange of my good behavior…

Er… that's not exactly what I was talking about, but Sho's crotch a few inches from my face is not something I would consider uninviting.

Oh, it wasn't an eating invitation; he just wanted to see if I was alright…

I'm fine, yeah… sex deprived, but who cares, not you! If you cared just a little, you would be dancing around naked for my entertainment!

That thought made me really horny all of a sudden, I knew I shouldn't have started thinking!

What's wrong with you? You have a post it the size of Sho's dick and you can't see it?

Drool… Sho's dick…drool

I TOLD YOU TO STOP THINKING!

But, I did! I was having a fantasy!

Oh, sorry about that. Please, keep it going.

Thank you, I will.

Drool…

Yes, Sho, I'm drooling. Why do you have to ask something so obvious?

No, you can't know why I'm doing it. You could found out, only if you'd let me get a hold of that good piece of leather clad ass!

Your ass is the best one I've ever seen and that's why I love the way you always wear leather pants; they don't leave anything to the imagination.

It's so round and tight and has a very nice shape that all it provokes in me is to want to pinch it!

My God, this is SO wrong!

I can see my future now...

Hi, I'm Kei. I've got an obsession toward my best friend's ass.

Damn, that sounded bad! I think even my imaginary future rehabilitation team looked disgusted and did my imaginary future mentor just spitted on my face?

Yep, definitely wrong.

So, what are you going to do about your future Kei?

Yes, you guessed right, absolutely NOTHING!

Ghee! I have like…an eternity to live, some spitting doesn't have to make me shudder or anything and I'm a Satan (yeah, not God, cause I'm an evil creature, remember?) damned VAMPIRE! I could kill them for all I care.

Just great! Now not only I'm horny, but I'm hungry as well. I wonder when was the last time I got some blood… oh yeah, I remember now. It tasted awful! Who would have thought that drinking the blood from some old perverted drunk man would end up as such a bad idea? One thing to always remember: try to have a little higher standard in your victims.

Do you think that Sho would mind too much if I bite his ass?

FUCKED IS THE SKY! I just said that out loud! And he's sitting right next to me!

I'M SCREWED! (or not, in my case)

Mm.. plan, plan I need a plan to get out of this "strange" situation.

Yes, that's it... act cool, like nothing happened... light a cigarette or something, good... good...

What? No, I think you're listening things my dear friend. I obviously don't want to bite your ass, what are you thinking, you little naughty boy?

Mm.. Yeah, maybe adding "naughty boy" at the end wasn't very accurate, but now he thinks that his going insane and is listening to strange and horny voices.

Huh? It's better his sanity than mine!

…

It's that what I think it is? For the love of God and all the nice and fluffy things in the world, he's practically shoving his ass in my face!

Try not to look too infatuated, try not to look too horny, and try not to look like you are actually enjoying it!

Screw it, I AM enjoying it!

Drool…

Oh, so you think you should listen to the voices in your head, that they could be some kind of sign? Well, I think you should do so too.

Thank you Lucifer, now I know that you're actually down there.

So, here I go!

BITE!

FUCK!

Yo! What the heck was that? You told me I could bite you, but never said to do it softly!

Sniff, you should have said something before, it wasn't necessary for you to punch me, you know?

YES! I AM crying! I'm a crying vampire! So, shut your mouth before I stick my tongue inside…

Ouch! Don't touch it! I think my eye is swelling and it's your entire fault, Mr. I want you to bite me, but don't give instructions!

Mmh… Kissing it its better… yeah, oh yeah…mm…

Lower, move your mouth lower…a bit more…just an inch…

Bingo! Lady's and gentlemen, we have a winner! (and it's me!)

Whe…where are those hands goin…? Oh! Now, what the hell are you looking for? I'm a guy! I don't have boobs! Nope, not matter how hard you search… why are you looking at me like that? There's nothing I can do about it, it's not like I'm gonna wish and magically grow breasts! So, you either go on with no boobs or go find yourself a hooker.

No, no, no! Don't stop! Please! I beg you, I'm a desperate man!

Where are you going! I ORDER you to get your ass back this very instant! The nerve that guy has, walking away in the middle of making out! I raised the little rascal, the least he could do is to give me a hand job. You heard me, the LEAST!

Oh, so you're back, well watch as I ignore you, you back stabbing traitor!

…

………

……………

WHAT! Didn't I tell you I was ignoring yo… Is that what I think it is? YES! My prayers were actually listened! I can already feel the smile forming in my mouth.

LUBE! He brought LUBE, people! I think I'm gonna cry just like Halle Berry in the Oscar's…maybe not.

WAIT! Freeze for one second…if he had lube, then it means either:

He has been gay all this time and I just found out.

He just had some, because…

He or one of his past lovers (female) has some wetty wet problems down in that department.

I hope it's A! or B and he is horny and wants some action, cause I know damn full well that I want!

His "friend" tells me that he is in for some fun and I expect to have a heck of a good time. I'm so happy/horny that I could sing like a fifteen years old pubescent school girl… and I think I will!

We're gonna screw like bunnies! And we'll do it like doggies! We're gonna screw like bunnies…ok, enough! Who would have thought someone could be so happy when he was about to get it up the ass. Ha! If my mom could see me, I'd made her so proud. Oh, that reminds me… YO, DAD! It's me! Kei! Your good for nothing son! You used to always call me a sissy little mama's boy and you were right! Sorry about hitting you with Nana's lamp. But you should be thankful in a way, cause that lamp was hideous!

Ok, ok… sorry Sho, I'll pay more attention to you and your friend and stop "chatting" with my dead folks!

Alright, this sounds easy… we are making out, Sho's taking off my shirt (thankfully not searching for boobs again) and we immerse ourselves in a delightful match of tongue wrestling!

Thankfully I'm already dead, because with the speed and hunger he uses to shove his tongue down my throat I would be dead asphyxiated by now. I know he's horny and that I'm horny too… but if he wants to kill me in the peak of passion, he should at least wait until we're doing it, not in the first base (wow! That is SO 90's, I feel old…).

At least he knows what to do with his hands (not searching for boob's idiot, search for dick!) and they keep going lower…

…and lower…

….and loooooooowerrrrr…

and…

Yey! He found my ass!

Now all he needs to do is…

Was it my imagination or did he just spanked my ass? I think the temperature in my groin went down just a few notches...ah screw that! Sex is more important than a slap in the ass, even if it's SUCH a turn off. But I swear to Oprah if he does that again I'm cutting his God damn hand, and I don't care if it's the one he uses to jerk off!

FOCUS!

Erase that horrible memory and fucking focus in the task at hand…GETTING LAID!

I have to take control of the situation, before he does "that" again…I'll take off his shirt!

Drool… he's got such an attractive body, like a good cut of meat! This remains me that I have to go buy Pork Belly blocks for his birthday next week…

What's THAT? It looks like a tattoo, but it could be a birth mark or a mole. Can you believe it? It's a mole in the shape of a little flower!

HAHAHAHA!

Cough…cough…cough! Fuck, I almost chocked with his tongue and to top it all, now his looking at me like if I was the one with the stupid mole.

Sometimes I really wonder what kind of shit Sho's mom smoked while expecting him.

Hey! I'm not cruel! Everyone in their right mind would have thought that! I swear!

Mm… such a skillful tongue! Imagine what he could do with it any lower…he he he Kei no Hentai…

Now what the heck is he trying to do?

…

Oh! Now I get it! My Devil (instead of God, remember I'm an Evil Creature…snore ha! Yeah right!) Can't you try making it a little less obvious Sho? Because pushing my head down to your groin is SUCH a turn off…ah, heck! Who cares!

I'll open his zipper with my teeth, he he he I once saw it on TV.

What? Thought that I'd never seen porn? Well, for your information (and you can guess pretty much after all you'd read) I'm not a goody two shoes!

Well, even though the most experimented one out of the two in this case is Sho… I'm actually just figuring out what I'm supposed to do.

What? What's that you just said?

That you prefer to make out with a guy, CAUSE IT'S EASIER TO GET THEM NAKED SINCE THEY DON'T USE BRAS!

What the heck is wrong with this man! Can someone PLEASE explain me!

Sho, you are a complete idiot! I'm thinking of not blowing you!

….

…..

Alright, not even "I" believed that.

Ok, Sho, you win… I'll just ignore all your unromantic remarks for now since I'm horny as hell… but beware later! Because I'm sticking some sense into that bleached head of yours!

Let's focused! Even though blowing Sho's dick wasn't in my top list of things to do for the day, I'll try to do it so good that he'll HAVE to fuck me!

So, here I go… using the trick from the porn movie…and here we have it, Sho's dic…

Oh my Devil Satan!

How the heck I'm supposed to put THAT in my mouth!

More importantly, How the heck is THAT going to fit my ass!

Ok, BREATH Kei!

In and out, in and out…good.

Shit it's big! And I thought all this years that he was stuffing his underwear with socks! Guess I was wrong...

There's one thing that comes with age and that's admitting your mistakes easier...

My mistake: thinking that giving HIM a blow job was a piece of cake, because this piece of banana doesn't seem to want to fit in my mouth!

Be brave! You can do it! Just open wide and do as if you were stuffing yourself with one of those Subway Sandwiches Toshi likes so much.

Hey! I did it! It fitted!

Now Kei, suck him like you've never sucked before! Make him feel as good as it can be and your reward will be a good night of steamy sex!

Smoothly and slowly, like a lollypop…a GIANT lollypop…where did you get it Sho? Too much hormones in your chicken when you where a kid or something?

Slowly… hey, this is kind of nice…

Don't TOUCH my HAIR! Or I swear I'll bite your "friend" off!

Hmpf… my death glare seemed to make him understand…

What in Hells name is he doing?

I'M CHOKING! MY EYES ARE GOING TO POP OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS! STOP THRUSTING INTO MY HEAD, YOU PIG!

I'm tempted to bite his dick off, but then how is he going to fuck me later…what a dilemma! Well, since I'm already dead, I can't die from lack of oxygen…but the sensation is awful and HE'S PULLING AT MY HAIR!

This is the clumsiest oral sex I've ever experienced… well, the first oral sex with another guy I've ever experienced, but it's CLUMSY!

This feeling is worst than the day my dad told me that my golden fishy had escaped... what do you mean with "golden fishes CAN'T escape"?

Ok, so it goes like this…suck…suck…lick…suck…

EW! He just came into my mouth! Where's my toothbrush when I need it?

Argh...who ever said semen was like "sweet drops of milky honey" or something between those lines had OBVIOUSLY never had their mouth full of the stuff!

Yuck! Disgusting and putrid "ball's juice" more like! Now I understand why hookers are always chewing gum...

Fhew... at least he didn't notice when I spitted that shit... Hope he doesn't mind to have semen over the carpet...Nah! If it were his pants, now that would be a different story! I would be tied up and put under the sun while Sho would laugh like a maniac as I turn into ashes...

He's surrounding me with his arms… like giving me a hug…AW! Isn't that cute and nic…?

THUMP!

Shit! He threw me into the couch like if I was a mere bag of potatoes! Can't you be a bit more like a gentleman? I can't believe you're like this during sex! You're doomed to be unmarried!

Yes… keep going…just open my fly and pull my pants down! Don't worry I don't have underwear (what? it's pretty hot in Thailand!).

Hmm… my Satan, I' moaning like a pig…just hope the neighbors don't complain and if the do, that they wait after I get fucked!

Mmm… keep kissing my thighs…

BITE

He just had to went and bite me (not THERE! If he did that, I'll surely exterminate him!). In which moment did our rolls changed? Cause last time I checked vampires were the ones who did the biting, not the fucking way around!

Sho! You are pissing me off big time!

Wait a damn minute…

What if this is not real? Nothing really good (or this weird) has ever happened to me...What if I actually just fell asleep and this is a dream induced by the remote control pocking me in the ass?

His tongue licking my neck tells me that this is quite real.

So, let's make a little check of how things are:

I'm naked. (Good)

Sho's naked. (Have no damn idea when that happened, but still good)

He's been treating me like shit and doing all this turning off things. (Bad)

I'm so desperate I don't care. (Bad in some way)

I have two "good" and one "bad" and a half…it works for me… I'm not choosy.

Here it comes! The moment I've been waiting all day...

We're about to do it...

WAIT! I've remembered some Important Issue...I'M A VIRGIN (well, at least "Ass Virgin")!

Put something over your dick Sho! (Where did that stupid bottle of lube went?)

Anything!

Even butter would do! Please or I'm not gonna be able to walk or sit for the rest of the week!

I'm not going to lick your dick again to make it slippery (that word sounds so naughty…heh).

Oh, so you had the bottle all this time! Now cover your shaft and let's get this over with (I want action!)

Can't you do it quickly? It's just covering your penis with lube, not an open heart procedure!

Ouch, ouch, ouch, OUCH! Stings! Hurts! Damn, it HURTS!

Be brave, be a man, Kei (but I'm dead)!

Don't let your eyes show in how much pain you are...close them...good...Ouch! Think of something else... pretend that you are a cat (or some animal, since you are allergic to cats!) and that someone's just taking your temperature...

Mm...

Taking my temperature! Yeah right! And with what, huh… With a fucking missile?

I'm such a baby, I'm actually crying… but it really hurts! Sho, please, I beg you, be gentler with me, it's my first time and I really want to cherish the moment.

Sob!

KISS

Sniff… Huh? Sniff… he's calming down… it's not hurting so much now… maybe my sad and full of pain expression made him realized that he was actually hurting me.

Nope, he was just taking impulse to get himself as further as he can!

How wrong can I be in a single day?

Shit! Slow down, you prick! What does this guy think I am?

A fucking hole in the wall?

HELLO! For your information my ass is not going anywhere, you don't need to thrust so hard like if it's going to disappear!

My Devil! I think I'm actually bleeding!

…

Was that what I've just saw blood?

MY GOD! I AM BLEEDING! (That's so wrong, when have you ever heard of a mortal making a vampire bleed? It's supposed to be the other way around…I'm the lamest excuse of a vampire)

I'm suddenly releasing a loud scream of pain and I think I've scared the shit out of him, cause he stopped his incessant pounding…FINALLY! It was about damn time!

He seems to notice in how much pain I am and softly cleans the tears that are rolling down my cheeks with his hand. (Yes, I'm still crying, that's how much of a pansy I am).

Hmpf… in dew time he starts showing some tenderness towards me!

Before I know, he'd grabbed my dick and starts jerking me as he now calmly start pushing himself inside of me again…Nice.

Maybe there is someone down there who really likes me, cause I'm feeling like I've just won a million bucks! (He he he… bucks sounds like fucks…Ehem… ignore me).

Ah…A…AH! This is awesome, now THIS is what I was expecting from the beginning. I may end up moaning so loudly that even Son will phone asking what was going on.

Mm…Ah…Yes! ... Mm…

RING

Who the hell dares to call in a moment like this? I'll sever his/her head!

Easy Kei, they don't know you're having sex right now… if they knew, they wouldn't bother (who am I kidding, if they knew I was having sex, they'd definitely call!).

I'll just let it ring…

RING

Pretend it's not sounding.

RING!

Keep going…Focus on screwing…Mm…Argh!

RIIING!

It's kinda pissing me off…

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

Why are you looking at me like that? More importantly, why did you stopped?

You want me to WHAT!

I'm NOT answering the phone now! If you haven't noticed, we are having sex at the moment and people don't (usually, there's always a weirdo…cough Sho cough) answer the phone!

I don't give a flying fuck if it could be your brother! (That sounds like an old married couple argument).

…

All right! I'll answer the stupid phone; now stop staring at me like a deer caught in the lights (Kawaii ne!).

Heh…hope the person who's phoning doesn't freak out…since I'm a moaning, screaming puddle of glee right now.

Mo-shi mooooshi?

Oh…Mm….Hi To-Toshi! Genkiiiii?

Ah! (Sho! Stop that, I'm trying to talk).

What? No…Nothing's …w…wrong…Mm…Fuck!

Ha ha ha! Yeah! Sho's actually fucking me right now, how did you guessed? (Whoops, Sho didn't seemed to take the joke very well, since he froze in mid thrust…he he)

So, tomorrow night at Shinji's bar… Ok, I'll tell him. Bye.

…

What? Got something on my face?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Oh…that… He…It was only to make you stop. Toshi and I thought it was funny and be thankful that he didn't saw your face; if he did he would have pissed himself.

…

Ouch! Why'd you hit me for? I'm actually thinking of calling Toshi back and telling him I wasn't joking!

Ha! That shut your mouth!

…

Don't you hate it when there're dead silence, you don't know what you're supposed to do!

…

Ah! Yes buddy! I'm actually trying to get some domination over the situation (I'm trying to ride him heh…) It's kind of weird, like jumping on a BIG sausage or something…

HA! I knew I would entice you; you couldn't resist my hot ass.

So, now I'm back to my original position, lying on the sofa as Sho fucks the daylight out of me! Hurray!

I'm getting a funny feeling in my stomach and I know it means I'm about to come! I've completed my goal of the day: have sex!

Just a bit more and it'll be over…

Ah!

It's getting closer…

Ah!

I can feel it!

AAAHHHHH!

Release at last!

Just ... WOW! Even after all the weird moments and the uncomfortable pain, it was quite ok... All right, all right! It was a GREAT FUCK! Correction, a GREAT WILD FUCK!

I can't even control my breathing!

Sho… I… lo… love…you-…your fucking abilities! (What thought I was going to declare my undying love for him or some kind of shit?)

We were going at it like if the world was about to end... Goodie.

I'm looking forward for a next time, but now I'm exhausted and my butt hurts a lot (I think it's still bleeding... I want my mommy!) I'm gonna rest and recover my strength so I can...

What the Heck? Sho! Get off me! We aren't having a second round just yet! What? I don't care if you have liked my "sweet tight little ass" (he must have gotten that one from TV...maybe I should cut the cable off...), but that ass is MINE and it's not feeling well!

Mm... Well... just kissing and cuddling is ok I guess... He he he... finally you're been more tender...

He he it tickles...

SPANK!

THAT'S IT! I warned you once! I'm cutting off that damned hand of yours!

(The End?)


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